Ransomed Journey Blog

What is Couple’s Recovery?

You have been ransomed or are on the path to get there. You and/or your spouse have been captive to an addiction or problematic use of some kind. Perhaps both of you have been using. Or perhaps only one of you has gotten entrapped and things have become very challenging in your marriage. For some of you, you have already had some encouraging success on this path with individual recovery but you are realizing that you need some help with your relationship. For others of you, the path of recovery has been very difficult. You have fought and argued and there have been things that have happened between you that have destroyed trust and intimacy. Serious damage has been done physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually. You are tired and hopeless and you don’t know what to do. You’re not sure if your marriage can be saved or can recover from the depths of damage that has been done.

Perhaps your spouse is the user and he/she has told you over and over that they are going to stop, yet they keep going back to it. “I’m sorry” and a month later, you find the evidence again. Maybe you are feeling done with the promises that get broken.

Perhaps you are the one using, and you know you’ve told your spouse over and over that you’re going to stop, but you know they have no reason to trust you or believe that this time it’s for real. You may not be sure if it’s real either. Maybe you feel attacked by your spouse. Maybe you feel like their anger, their withdrawal, their contempt, their lack of love, is driving you back to use.

Or perhaps you are solid in recovery, but have never addressed the damage to your relationship. You are looking for help with where to go from here in your marriage.

Couples recovery, as it is mentioned in the other entry entitled “What is Recovery?”, is a process. However, couples recovery is different than individual recovery in some very important ways. Early recovery for couples can often be almost more traumatizing than traumatic events during use (Brown & Lewis, 1999). Research and the clinical literature uncover some of these issues. Unresolved problems that occurred during drug use or compulsive/addictive behaviors have been known to effect communication and conflict resolution (Lawson & Lawson, 1998). Sexual dysfunction is also often associated with chemical or behavioral dependencies and involves problems with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, sexual avoidance, and painful intercourse. Some couples have experienced traumatic bonding, which is the depth of attachment couples who use together have during drinking or drug use. Traumatic bonding also occurs when couples have felt that the only good communication and good sex they experienced was during drinking and drug use (Brown & Lewis, 1999; Davis, Berenson, Steinglass, & Davis, 1974). Couples impacted by various addictions might also be challenged by physical and psychological issues with hepatitis C, overdoses, chronic pain, anxiety and depression, schizophrenia, grief and loss, despair over their disintegrating families (Cattapan & Grimwade, 2008). These couples may also have experienced isolation, emotional withdrawal, criminal involvement, and other co-occurring mental illnesses (Collins et al, 2007).

So how do couples with these kinds of challenges work through the process of recovery? When I work with couples in recovery, it is vital that whoever has been using is completely committed to their own process of individual recovery. For the couple, the challenge is that the amount of time and energy it takes for an individual to work their own recovery can make it very challenging to also focus on couple’s recovery. It is not uncommon for couples to come into recovery 2-3 years into sobriety because the individual recovery had to be stabilized first. Maintaining early sobriety can be so challenging that dealing with the damage done in the marriage can get set aside. Other couples do, however, reach out for care during the early stages of sobriety and recovery. During this time, it is challenging to balance the needs between individual and couples recovery.

For couples who engage in therapy during early recovery, the things that were going on underneath the use, the things that the addiction or use covered up, often come pouring out. If the use was used to mask sexual issues, those issues come out. If use was used to cope with emotion, all the emotional challenges begin to come out. It is common that during times of use and addiction, betrayals, abuse, violations, and vicious, demeaning conflict may have occurred. If a couple decides to work through the conflict and the betrayals, talking about them can lead to increased conflict for a time. A couple needs a significant amount of support in the early years after sobriety.

The types of support that are often needed are individual counseling, couples counseling, mentors and/or accountability partners for both spouses, group support or group therapy, and family counseling. Men and women both need good friends who can relate and be supportive, but who will also tell them painful truths when needed. Finding each of these supports, and then finding the time to fulfill each of these needs, does have it’s challenges.

There are several areas that often need to be addressed in couples counseling. It may be important to heal specific traumas that occurred during use. Often, communication during conflict has become very difficult. Learning how to share your feelings genuinely without judgment is important. Learning how to hear and understand your spouse and step into their shoes is also vital. Couples also often need help in how to talk about how recovery is going, how to ask questions and share without judgment, and how to be supportive and yet letting each one work their own recovery. Returning to genuine liking, loving, trust, and intimacy is also a vital part of recovery. Some of the entries that will follow will address these important topics.

What is Individual Recovery?

Ask yourself, have you had too much to drink and regretted it afterwards? Is your spouse concerned by how much time or money you spend in some pursuit? Have you spent money you really shouldn’t have either gambling or shopping? Have you blacked out from alcohol? Do you take your prescription drug for other reasons than your doctor prescribed? Do you hide how much you eat, maybe throwing up or restricting at other times to compensate? Have you tried to stop any of this, and not been able to? Do you spend time planning in your head the next time you can get on the computer, the next time you can go out and gamble, how to get the money to give the dealer whose phone number you still have in your phone? Have you gone to that party, that fun event, that night out, that wedding/birthday celebration/company event and sworn to yourself that you weren’t going to have more than two, and you had more? Do you keep promising yourself you will stop looking at pornography but you keep turning to those sites?

How else it is it effecting you? Have you messed up your finances because you keep spending it on these things? When you are stressed, worried, frustrated, bored, sad, depressed, do you find yourself reaching for it, going to it, turning it on, eating it, drinking it, taking it, buying it, to relieve that feeling? Is it causing conflict with your spouse, with your friends, with your kids, with your coworkers? Do you feel guilty about it and keep it hidden? Whatever it is, you are reading this because you’re thinking you may need some help.

So what is recovery? There are several resources on this site. Some of them are geared toward the individual in recovery. Most are geared toward the couple in recovery. The reality is, whatever you call this process, this healing from compulsive use, addiction, problematic use of a substance or a behavior of some kind, it is a process. Recovery is a process. A process that, in order to work, has to be given your best effort and will need a lot of support.

There are many different ideas of what constitutes recovery. First of all, someone has to realize there is a problem; that   they   have a problem. Call it what you want: addiction, compulsive use, abuse, overuse…. it’s a problem. It may be difficult for you to put a name to it because you’re really having a hard time saying or believing it is a problem. You may feel like those kinds of words don’t apply to you. That may be the first thing to face. Recovery is truly possible when someone is able to admit that they have a problem.

So, again, what is recovery? Recovery is a process that someone has to be committed to in order to overcome dependence on a substance or a lifestyle behavior. The process of recovery is not the same as sobriety. Someone can be sober, can quit drinking, smoking, shooting up, using, gambling, shopping, overeating, viewing porn, etc., and yet not be in the process of recovery. Stopping use is a part of recovery, but all by itself, stopping is not recovery. Recovery goes much further. It is the determination to understand the pulls and enticements of that substance, that behavior. It is the willingness to figure out what the draw is. And it is the commitment to put into practice the kind of things needed to bring about change.

Recovery includes the determination to understand what your use actually does for you. It does something for you. It may bring you excitement. It may solve your boredom. It may make you feel good physically. It may help you forget stuff, at least temporarily. It may help you get stuff done. It may make social situations easier. It may make sex easier. It may feel like the one fun thing you have going in life. It may relieve your stress. It may be soothing. It may make things more fun. It does something for you. Part of recovery is recognizing what need the use meets.

It is important to understand that recovery is not a week, a month, a year. It is a process that definitely can take years, or even a lifetime. Does someone ever recover? Are they ever recovered? Are they ever healed? That is the question. Well, there are a lot of different thoughts about that. Some recovery programs view recovery as lifelong, other programs view it as a process leading to complete healing. Whatever the program, and whatever your belief (and believe me, that belief may change over time), being committed to the process of recovery can lead to changes you may have begun to feel would never happen.

I have had many individuals who have come to see me, confident in their recovery. They have stayed off alcohol for 5 months; they haven’t looked at pornography is 2 months; they haven’t taken a hit in over a year; they haven’t gone to/bought/sold/eaten/done any of that for over a year. So now they are all past that. Right? The reality is, in most of the literature on recovery, the first several months of not using are still considered a time of crisis management. The first year is but the first part of early recovery. In fact, early recovery is actually up to 2 or 3 years. Middle recovery would be more like 3-5 years, and late recovery, or maintainance, would be more like 5 plus years. Maintaining recovery is a lifetime commitment no matter how you view it or what program you use to get there.

Recovery includes several other things. It is the acknowledgement that you need help, support, accountability, teaching, prayer, guidance, challenge, truth. It is the time spent in individual and group support. You need someone committed to helping you but you also need a community of support, people that get it, who’ve been there, and are an example of how to overcome. It is the willingness to face the damage your use may have caused: to yourself, to your family, to your friendships, to your finances, to your body, to your work, to your community. It is the determination to look at yourself in the mirror, and not forget what you saw; that ability to face the ugly things you may have done, or the embarrassing or destructive choices you have made. And then to find the road to healing.

So, where does recovery start? One place it can start is with taking a good look and realizing you have a problem. This may include letting others tell you what they see. Don’t run away from it. Go ahead and look at it. Then go get some help. Look up a support group. Get a sponsor. Go see a therapist. Ask your family member or your spouse to join you when you are ready. Reach out to get the help you need to get on and stay on that road.

There are many different ways of looking at the process of recovery. For those in early sobriety, many will adamantly say that they are sober and are going to stay sober. That is a great statement and plan. For any in that early stage of recovery, it is usually important to understand that sobriety is an early step in recovery. Sobriety and recovery are not the same thing. Sobriety is necessary for recovery, but there is much more to working a good recovery program. Years one to three of recovery are considered early recovery. Years three through five are middle recovery. Over five years is considered late recovery or maintenance.

Prochaska's Stages of Change model uses a few more specific terms to describe the different stages of recovery. These stages are Precontemplation, Contemplation, Determination/Preparation, Action, Maintenance, and Relapse. Below is a review of Prochaskas model of change. For more details, you can check out Prochaska's book Changing for Good.

Precontemplation   is when someone is unaware that there is a problem or thinks they don't have a problem. At this time it is helpful to remember that each person must be the one to decide to change. It can help to begin to recognize what circumstances lead to use. If this is where you are at, it may help to review when your use started and how it has progressed over time. Understanding the risks of use are also important.

Contemplation   is primarily when someone is considering changing their use behaviors though they may still be unsure how they feel about the idea change. Once again, it is important to remember that the choice to change must be the individuals. If change is something you're contemplating, identifying specific thoughts and emotions connected to use can be helpful. Also, think through the pros and cons of changing and consider what might some of the positive outcomes be of making changes.

It can also be helpful to review what you value and what is important to you. What is important to you in your relationships with your family and friendships? What are your values in the areas of career, education, health, and community life? What kinds of things do you enjoy? What are your spiritual values? In the big picture of life, what do you want to be known for?

Determination/Preparation   is when someone begins testing the waters of change and has been making some plans. Figure out what some of the obstacles you may have to making change. What will make change hard or what could get in the way? Do you need more social support and where can you get it? Have someone help you identify what your strengths are. What skills do you bring to your own process of change? Remember, in the process of change, keep your steps small so that you can see each victory.

Action   is when someone has been experiencing several months of change. You have been practicing some new behaviors and making some new choices. This is a good time to clarify what your triggers are that lead to use. Make a list of your personal triggers and make a very clear   action plan   about what you're going to do when you are confronted with each trigger. Remember to surround yourself with good social support to help with these plans. Review the obstacles to change you have encountered and remind yourself of how you have overcome them. Be open and genuine about the loss and grief you feel in multiple areas of your life. This includes the grief that comes along with ending use and the losses and griefs that are a result of use.

Maintenance , in Prochaska's model, is six months into sobriety to five years. This is a time of solid, continued commitment to all the new behaviors begun during recovery. Vigilance is vital during this time. Many who treat behavioral and drug and alcohol addictions would recommend during this time to have a solid plan for relapse. It is vital to plan so that if relapse happens, the recovery from the lapse is quick and the return to a good program of recovery happens quickly. Learning from relapse, if it happens, can strengthen recovery. Make a plan for support through this and review the internal rewards for recovery.

Relapse. As mentioned, it is vital to plan for relapse. If it happens and a relapse plan is utilized, it is much more likely that someone will not spiral into a full blown relapse or a return to all the old behaviors. After relapse happens, take time to evaluate what the triggers were and what part of the action plan you made was not followed. Reevaluate your level of motivation and the types of barriers you are now facing and reengage in all your levels of support. Strengthen all your coping skills. Up your level of support in all areas.

So, which stage are you in and what do you need? Make a plan and get some help.

The process of recovery is challenging. For couples, the trauma and challenges during recovery can sometimes be even more intense than the trauma that occurred during use. Couples often experience intense conflict during this time. Conflicts can come up around many different areas in life: kids, jobs, recovery meetings, worries about sobriety, frustration with a spouse's lack of trust, holidays and family gatherings, spiritual issues, and so on and so on. Arguments can become volatile. Pain connected to the damage caused by use can come flooding in. Deep feelings of shame can cause someone to lash out or to turn away and avoid. Often, the underlying problems in the marital relationship that were possibly masked by the addiction overwhelm the couple. It is hard to feel hopeful. It is hard to see that things can get better.

It is also challenging to break through entrenched disconnection, to find ways to discuss and work through these tough things without conflict getting high. It can even be hard for some couples to do relationship bonding things, like going and having fun together, when this huge pile of junk and pain is sitting there. When I work with couples, there is often a careful dance trying to build positive, hope-focused things in their relationship while at the same time working through that pile of junk. Yet both are often needed and important. This is the idea of the love bank. The love bank is similar to your financial bank account. If your finances are going well and you've made good deposits into your bank account that have added up, when that car breaks down, though you are completely bummed about it and it's still painful, you can get it repaired and the level of distress is manageable. But if your finances are not going so well and there is little or nothing in the account, when that car breaks down, it creates stress and havoc. In the same way, when a relationship's emotional bank account is low and conflict happens, this can lead to great levels of frustration, anger, distress, and hopelessness. But when that emotional bank account has some deposits in it, when there have been some enjoyable moments, when emotional and verbal connection is going well, when there have been times of thoughtfulness, times of fun or even laughter, and then that conflict happens, it still causes distress but because there is now a buffer around it of positive moments, that conflict can get worked through in a way that though painful can still create connection. This balance is especially difficult for couples dealing with addiction. Years of use can erode the entire bank account, both literally and figuratively. For some couples, there may even be very few positive memories, or if there are, the positive memories are associated with use. So that bank account can be very low or feel non-existent. It makes sense then that when conflict happens, it is particularly hard to see any good come from it.

So how is it possible to have conflict that could create connection, especially when the conflict is so loaded with scary stuff that has yet to be resolved. Two primary pieces to creating a healthy experience of conflict are: number one, being purposeful in building good moments together; and number two, good conflict resolution. We are going to cover the conflict stuff first. In another entry we are going to go further into how to build the good moments.

You are going to fight. You are still going to hurt one another. You are going to do things and say things or fail to do things that get you right back to that yucky place of anger and disconnection. But learning to fight well is vital. So lets check some things. First of all, ask yourself, when you are upset with your spouse, how do you communicate that? Genuinely sharing what bothers you, telling them how you are feeling, is necessary in order to work through problems. However, sometimes, in the desire to get your spouse to understand what you think or feel, you may attack. Especially when pain is high or when you're not sure how your spouse is doing in their recovery process or when you feel like your spouse will never forgive you. This can be hard for both spouses.

So check how you're doing in communicating with your spouse. Do you explain yourself and then explain yourself again? Do you use language that attacks? Do you tend to feel like you know what your spouse is thinking and feeling and you tell them that rather than ask them? Do you get flooded with emotion or anger when you are telling them what bothers you or about something that is really hard for you? And when that emotion floods, do you find it hard to explain yourself? Do you avoid it all together? It's just easier to not bring things up because it might blow up if you do. And you hate arguing. So check. Do you attack? Do you flood your spouse with too many words? Do you avoid conflict at all costs? Learning to fight well includes learning to share from your heart, directly, succinctly, honestly, and genuinely without blame, attack, or accusation. Ephesians 4:15 says "speak the truth in love." When you speak to your spouse, make sure it is done in love. Leviticus 19:17 says "rebuke your neighbor frankly." Now, you may not benefit from rebuking each other at this time, but when you do come to your spouse with something that has upset you, do it in a frank, direct way.

Secondly, how are you doing hearing your spouse when they come to you. Ask yourself, are you working hard at really understanding your spouse? Do you get distracted, or hurt, by the way they are coming to you to the point that you lose track of what they are saying? Do you feel accused and then you shut down? When your spouse shares, do you ask questions in order to understand what they are feeling? Or do you get defensive and attack back? Do you feel the need to explain? Are you so quick to apologize or reassure your spouse that they end up feeling dismissed, or that you don't really get it? Do you tend to go immediately to how to fix the problem rather than listen? Do you have a hard time feeling like what your spouse is bothered by even makes sense? "Really! You're upset about THAT?" Genuinely listening to understand is important for both spouses in the midst of recovery. Not just for the one who's been involved in addiction, but also for the spouse.

Good conflict is not just about good listening. It is also about good speaking. Start paying attention to your part in both and see if there is something you need to change. During a time when you are not in conflict, have a good conversation with each other. Each of you share with the other what you see in yourself that you need to work on in how you speak and listen. Then ask your spouse a couple of questions. "Do you feel like I get to the point of understanding you when you come to me with something? Is there anything I do that makes it feel like I don't understand?" Also ask, "How do you feel like I'm doing when I come to you with something that is bothering me? Do you ever feel like I avoid or attack?" These can be very scary conversations. Do them gently. Keep your eyes on yourself and see what happens. If the conversation goes sideways, get some help. Sit with someone you trust and have them help you understand what your spouse is feeling. Have them help you communicate with love what is bothering you. That kind of support from friends and mentors can go a long way in your process of couple's recovery.

One of the common challenges for couples in recovery from addiction is how to work out healthy boundaries. The areas of their relationship where this comes up is typically around issues such as openness about use or urges to use, how recovery is going, sex, relapse, or emotional sharing.

If you have been involved in addiction or some type of problematic use, you may be wondering how much you should tell your spouse about how you are doing. Your spouse may be asking and you're not sure how to answer. They are wanting reassurance that you are getting the help you need and that you are on solid ground in your recovery and that you're staying away from whatever tempts you. But when your spouse asks you things, you're not sure how it will go if you answer them. It is important to remember that your process of recovery is your process. Your spouse cannot work your program for you and most likely, you really don't want them to. However, because of the choices you have made and the dangers attached to those choices, your spouse may have specific needs in order to feel safe and in order to feel they can truly trust your commitment to change.

What would make your spouse feel safe? That can differ for each spouse, however there are some common things. One is your complete honesty. It is common for spouses to tell me that having a partner involved in addiction has been very difficult and traumatic but that the worst part is the lies. "Put off falsehood and speak truthfully" (Eph 4:25). Another way to create safety is a non-defensive response when your spouse asks questions. It may be hard for you to not feel attacked, and maybe your spouse is asking in a way that feels like an attack. Remember however that underneath that attack is often a need for reassurance. And defensiveness or anger on your part can make a spouse even more anxious.

An even stronger thing that creates safety is when you initiate openness and don't wait for your spouse to ask. Let your spouse see the clear evidence that you are diligently and genuinely involved in your process of recovery: going to support meetings, reading your bible, engaging with your sponsor or mentor. Tell them how it is going. Sharing about these things with your spouse is essential for couples recovery. It doesn't mean your spouse is your parent. It does mean that you know they have every right to see you change and that you want to honor their need for you to share specifically how you are doing; both the good and the bad.

If you are the spouse of someone who has been involved in addiction, you may be wondering how much you should be involved in their process of recovery. You may feel like they need to be completely open and transparent with you but you're not sure how to get that to happen. But you may also be unsure what kind of information is healthy to ask and know. You are wanting your spouse to have their own convictions and commitment to good recovery, but you're not sure what your part is in that process. You also may be having a hard time figuring out what type of boundaries you should have. You may be wondering what you should do if your spouse uses again? What should your boundaries be if they do? If you are separated, how do you know when the right time is to move back in together?

Each of these questions reflects the challenge of rebuilding trust. The bible clearly teaches that the home should be a place of safety and peace (Is 32:18, 1 Cor 7:15). When there have been betrayals in marriage, when addiction has caused the erosion of trust, it takes time and repeated healing to return to trust and create safety and peace in the home. Rebuilding trust is a process and it is vital for both spouses to figure out what their part is in that process. One of the important pieces that is necessary in order to get there is establishing healthy boundaries.

For the individual involved in recovery, in general it is my recommendation to have complete honesty and transparency with your spouse. However, spouses, your partner's recovery is their responsibility. You cannot work their recovery for them. You can let them know you want them to share openly with you how they are doing. However, the initiation of that needs to come from the person in recovery. You may feel like you are not seeing them work their program like they should. Perhaps they don't speak with their sponsor as much as you feel they should or maybe you wonder if they do at all. Maybe they are missing a lot of support group meetings. They may be falling into some patterns that look an awful lot like what they did when they were using. There is a difference between holding to healthy boundaries and working your spouse's program for them. You need to tell your spouse that if they are not staying sober, if they are getting defensive about their recovery, if they are not initiating openness, or if they are not going to meetings or getting help from a sponsor or mentor, then you have some decisions to make about your relationship. However, even when you share that, you cannot be their monitor to get them to do those things. You absolutely need to let them know what you need in order to feel safe, what you need to see in order to feel like they are truly changing. However, at that point it is vital that you step back and let them decide what to do with that information and make your own decision about what you need to do in response.

When I work with couples in the process of recovery, the spouse is often unsure where they should put their boundaries. If your spouse has been sober for several months, but gets drunk, what should you do? Should you allow them to stay in the home? Should you leave? Should you just be supportive and help them get the help they need? Is it unloving to say they have to leave? If your spouse has sworn they will no longer look at pornography, but then you find out something that shows they still are, what do you do? Do you continue to have sex? Do you continue to sleep in the same room? If your spouse says that they are getting great support in dealing with their shopping addiction, but then you find new receipts, how do you respond? Do you remove all their credit cards? If you're wondering if your spouse is being honest with you, do you investigate? Do you check their emails or their phone? These are important questions. What are loving, appropriate, safe, healthy boundaries? And how do you hold to them without resentment or ungodly attitudes. 2 Tim 2:25 says it so well. "Those who oppose him, he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." Your spouse may have been entrapped or may be continually walking into the trap. And you are trying to figure out how you're supposed to respond.

So how do you go about figuring out what kind of boundaries you should have? Boundaries are about safety. This can mean physical safety and emotional safety. Physical safety can mean several things. It can mean that your electronic devises will not be used for anything pornographic. Or that a husband or wife will not be in danger of contracting an illness due to their spouse's sexual or drug related use. It can mean that someone will not become intoxicated or high and cause physical harm or physical damage to their spouse or children. Physical safety can also mean financial safety, when money is not lost on gambling, shopping, drugs, or any similar behavior or substance. Emotional safety can be connected to all of these and more. It can mean being able to ask your spouse how they are doing without getting a defensive, angry response. It can mean being able to share the fears, hurts, and anger you feel and getting a safe, understanding response. It can mean that a spouse understands if it takes time to rebuild that trust. Emotional safety can also mean being able to share about your struggles with addiction openly without getting attacked for what you have shared. It can mean being able to explain what your triggers are and receiving an understanding, supportive response.

The purpose of this entry is not to give you a definitive answer about what kind of boundaries you should have in your marriage. That needs to be explored carefully and wisely both in your own heart, with God, and with the help of good, spiritual counsel. Hopefully this entry will help you begin to dialogue and pray about how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries that will keep both of you safe and help each of you in the process of individual and couple's recovery.

To Drink or Not to Drink: Should you drink around others who have a problem with alcohol?

For any Christian who has been involved in addiction, or for someone who has family members or loved ones who struggle with addiction, one of the challenging things can be how to view and respond to social drinking in others. There are some very strong feelings out there. In this entry, I am going to apply a chapter by the Apostle Paul in the book of Romans to this painful but important question.

One caveat: this entry will not be addressing the decision a spouse makes in regards to drinking when their husband or wife is an alcoholic. This entry is focused instead on how to respond to others, such as friends, those with whom you worship, and even extended family, when they do not hold the same beliefs you do about drinking alcohol.

One of the most powerful scriptures that can be applied to the decision whether or not to drink in the presence of others or whether someone should drink at all is Romans 14. This passage can be helpful to so many areas of life and can definitely be applied to a lot of questions about whether we should consume alcohol or get involved in anything else that looks like an addiction. Before you continue reading this entry here, read chapter 14 of Romans. Read it straight through. Then read it straight through again in another bible version. Then slowly read through each section and take notes. Lots of notes. Write out your thoughts and understandings about how this passage could apply to you and to your views on alcohol, drugs, and addiction. Think about not only how it might apply to the topic of these entries, drugs, alcohol, and addiction, but also about how it might apply to any number of areas in your life. I really encourage you to take the time to do this before you read on in this entry.

Reading Break

O.K., so let’s look at Romans 14 together. Here is the actual text.

1Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. 4Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.

5One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord….

12So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. 13Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. 14I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. 16Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. 17For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.

19Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. 20Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.

22So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

Now let’s take each verse apart and apply it specifically to alcohol. Below I have reworded Romans 14 to apply specifically to the use of alcohol. Read it carefully.

1Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2One person’s faith allows them to drink alcohol, but another, whose faith is weak, drinks only non-alcoholic beverages. 3The one who feels free to drink alcohol must not treat with contempt the one who does not drink alcohol or believes drinking alcohol is wrong, and the one who does not believe in drinking alcohol must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. 4Who are you to judge someone who is God’s servant about whether they drink alcohol or not.

5Each man should be fully convinced in his own mind. 6Whoever chooses to drink does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains from drinking does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. None of us decides to drink for ourselves alone, and none of decides not to drink for ourselves alone. If we choose to drink, we do it for the Lord; and if we choose not to drink, we do that for the Lord…

12So then, each of us will give an account of our choices about alcohol to God. Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another about our choices about alcohol. 13Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister in the area of drinking. 14Alcohol is not unclean in and of itself. But if anyone regards alcohol as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you drink, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your drinking destroy someone for whom Christ died. 16Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. 17For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18Because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.

19Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. 20Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of alcohol. All alcohol is clean, but it is wrong or a person to drink anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.

22So whatever you believe about drinking alcohol, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23But whoever has doubts is condemned if they drink, because their drinking is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

What do we find when we apply Romans 14 to the use of alcohol specifically? The drinking of alcohol is considered a disputable matter. Even if you don’t agree with that sentence, you can agree that people definitely dispute about it. Disputable matters are when someone feels strongly that something is a wrong practice and another person does not believe there is anything wrong with doing that. Both parties will often have different scriptures to back up their view, but there may not be any definitive scripture to say who's wrong and who's right. That is the disputable part. Paul describes it well when he tells us not to quarrel about disputable matters (v. 1). He then says “Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. None of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone.” When people insist on making an argument about a disputable matter, it then becomes an issue of passing judgment. Paul emphasizes that we need to be thoughtful, loving, caring, and considerate of others, realizing that our life affects those around us profoundly. Yet at the same time, someone should also not impose their beliefs on another, condemning that person for something that in their understanding of the scriptures is not actually wrong. The person who feels free to drink would be completely in the wrong to mock someone who believes it is wrong. The one who believes we should abstain from drinking must see that God accepts the person who drinks and doesn’t judge them.

Here is another important point. Alcohol in and of itself is not unclean. Food in and of itself is not unclean. Sex in and of itself is actually a beautiful thing as God created it and in and of itself is not evil, dirty, or unclean. Most would say that the practice of playing games, even games of chance, is not in and of itself sin or unclean. This is similar to the scripture, “the love of money is the root of all evil” (1 Timothy 6:10). This scripture gets misquoted regularly. The common quote is “money is the root of all evil.” But money itself is not evil. It is the love of money that is the problem. This can be said for gambling. To gamble in and of itself is not the problem, but the love of gambling, or a debaucherous practice of gambling, is absolutely problematic. Gambling is a tough call on what would be considered debaucherous, because much of gambling occurs in environments where most everyone around are involved in a debaucherous practice and for a follower of Jesus, circumstances do warrant serious attention in deciding whether to engage in some practice.

Now it is important to note that the application of these principles does not equally apply to any of the illegal drugs, first of all due to their illegality. We are commanded to obey the governing authorities (Romans 13:1). The primary issue for all illicit drugs is that one hit, one snort, one injection, one use creates intoxication and would not ever fall within godly use. Things do get a little more complicated with prescription drug abuse. Prescription pain killers, including medical marijuana, can be necessary for medical reasons, but the moment someone uses them for something other than relieving physical pain as prescribed by a doctor, as for instance using them to relieve emotional distress or to reach a high, their use can now be compared to “mixing bowls of wine” and the sparkles, strange sights, and "lying on top of the rigging" of Proverbs 23.

The stumbling block. How does that apply to daily life? It appears that what Paul is saying is if your drinking causes someone else to want to drink or if it causes damage to their faith, you have entered very dangerous territory. Paul addresses this very strongly and clearly. “If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you drink (rewritten version), you are no longer acting in love” (Rom 14:15). Is your choice causing someone distress? It is vital that this is addressed. Yes that individual can strengthen their weak faith, but in the meantime you have an edict from God. Love your brother. Love your sister. And do not forget that following Jesus is about righteousness, peace, and love. Causing division is dealt with very strongly in the scriptures. Causing the weak and young to stumble is also strongly addressed. It would be incredibly unkind if, while you are spending time with someone who has been or is an alcoholic, you drink in front of them. Jesus even said that, for someone who causes another to stumble, “it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea” (Luke 9:42). Those words could not get much stronger.

So what about how strongly the weak feels? As has already been pointed out, it is just as wrong for the individual who thinks that all types of drinking and gambling are ungodly to condemn the user outright. Paul actually recommends for them to keep their views to themselves. This is a hard balance. Openness is crucial to unity. Working through differences is essential. Remember Paul’s injunction that “there be no divisions among you” (1 Cor 1:10). Claiming something is unclean when God has not called it unclean is playing Judge, and that role is God’s. Self-righteousness can creep in so easily and can come in the guise of genuine passionate conviction. If you find yourself having a hard time seeing this discussion as one of mutual edification, then you may want to check the tone of your heart and words.

Ultimately, we all need to decide within our own minds and with our own convictions what we believe (Romans 14:5). And then not look down on someone else who comes to a different conclusion. There is a continual call throughout the scriptures, and throughout Paul’s letters, to do everything to glorify God. Ask yourself that? Is that your focus? Is your primary concern to bring glory to God? Remember, above all, love for God and love for your neighbor are the two greatest commandments and that everything else falls under them.

If you ask the average person what drug people are most commonly addicted to, you might get a wide variety of responses. The answer is alcohol. It has been mentioned here that the legal drugs are some of the most addicting: caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol. Of these and all of the illegal drugs, including the sometimes legal, sometimes illegal drug marijuana, the most commonly abused drug is alcohol.

Abuse of alcohol can start early for many; 12 or 13 years old is not uncommon. In fact, research has shown that those who start drinking before 19 have a much more difficult time achieving lasting sobriety in adulthood. Why? Well, that is a good question. But one view is that the use of alcohol during the formative years of development short circuits healthy emotional development and well as the growth of healthy intimacy skills. Alcohol becomes the tool used to manage emotion and difficult feelings like social anxiety, anger, hurt, sadness, fear, hopeless, and insecurity. In order to have fun with friends or to feel confident sexually, alcohol becomes the relaxer and the courage producer. When that adolescent then becomes an adult, genuine engagement without alcohol, or some other drug, is very difficult or may even feel impossible.

For women specifically, alcohol is often used to help them relax and enjoy sex. Alcohol is the great disinhibitor and for some women, they feel a much greater willingness to engage in sex as they believe their partner would like. It is also common for men and women to use alcohol to manage anxiety overall. How many come home from a difficult day or week at work and say "I need that glass of wine" and "I deserve that beer." Alcohol is a relaxer. In and of itself, that is not problematic. The challenge comes when men or women use alcohol to cope with the anxiety of life. When any substance goes from enjoyment to a way of coping, the road to it becoming addictive has become smoother. Literally. "Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly!" (Prov 23:31) What is that about? What's wrong with how it goes down smoothly? Isn't that the exact language to describe good wine. "Oh that is so smooth." The book of Proverbs are wise sayings, so remember, they are not commands. However, listen to why we should not take to gazing at that wine. "In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper." (Prov 23:32) So pay attention. Be alert. If wine, or beer, or any form of alcohol goes from enjoyment to anxiety reducer, or any other emotion smoother, it may have a hold on you.

So, perhaps it already has gotten ahold of you and you are trying to shake it's grip. It is an uphill battle to decide to stop drinking. There are so many things saying it is not a big deal. "Drink Responsibly" begins to say "you can still drink responsibly." And perhaps you can. Or perhaps you cannot. Worldwide culture supports the drinking of alcohol. "Can't wait to have that glass of wine... that beer" is the way co-workers say goodbye to one another after a day at work. Gifts at work parties are typically some form of alcohol. There have been so many in my therapy office who have shared how someone, a co-worker, a friend, will say to them, with a tone of incredulity, "you don't drink?" Like, are you crazy. Advertisements tell you that if you really want to have fun and be a part of the crowd, have that drink in your hand. If you really want to enjoy a romantic time with your partner, include that glass. Messages that encourage drinking permeate our lifestyles. So yes, the battle to not drink, or to drink less, is not only a battle with the self. It is a battle with society.  

So one of the first specific challenges specific to alcohol is recognizing it's pervasiveness and the absolute acceptance of this substance. That in and of itself is an important step. it is not a small thing to look around you and begin to notice all the messages that say "drink". Sometimes individuals cannot notice these messages until they have had a period of complete sobriety. It is then that they begin to notice the thousandfold ways they are told from their culture to just have that drink. They begin to realize how much they view life through the lens of alcohol; how much the focus of their life was controlled by what, where, when, and how to drink.  

Some of the other challenges specific to alcohol are the physical consequences. There will be a later entry that explores this in more detail but it is important to note here that all poisons are filtered through the liver. The liver's job is to break down the toxins in alcohol and when someone consumes an excess of alcohol, this can lead to a fatty liver, and, for some, to cirrhosis. In a similar fashion, alcohol also causes weight gain throughout the body. Drinking alcohol also causes water loss, electrolyte depletion, vitamin deficiency (which can lead to malnutrition) and pancreatitis. Alcohol creates problems with sexual functioning for men (erectile functioning) and women (ability to reach orgasm). And of course, for women, alcohol during pregnancy can cause fetal alcohol syndrome in the fetus. The bible even details some of the physical consequences of alcohol such as reeling and staggering (Job 12:25; Jer 23:9), vomiting (Is 28:7,8; Jer 25:27, 48:26; Hosea 7:5), and dull eyes (Gen 29:12). There are behavioral consequences such as mocking and brawling (Prov 20:1, Is 28:7), judgment impairment (Prov 31:5, Is 28:7), and indecent exposure (Hab 2:15-16).

For couples, there are some specific challenges with alcohol. What if one partner decides to abstain and the other ceos not. Some couples work this out smoothly while it can cause significant conflict for others. At times, a partner of an alcoholic feels resentful that they have to give up something they enjoy just because their spouse cannot control their use of alcohol. These feelings can especially happen if there are unresolved traumas and hurts that happened during use. On the other side of the issue, a partner may feel unsupported in their process of recovery and wellness if a spouse continues to drink. They can feel like they are alone and that their spouse has little understanding of how hard it is to stop drinking. Partners can feel abandoned when their spouse does not support them by also choosing not to drink. On the other hand, partners who have decided they can no longer drink feel incredibly loved and supported when their spouse willingly joins them in their choice to not include alcohol in their lives. For many, it may be a choice of how important is alcohol going to be in comparison to how much I love my spouse. So how does a couple overcome this possible discrepancy? The first step is to talk about it. First, working through the damage in the past is vital. Next, talk about the process of recovery. How do you feel it is going? Do you each feel you are getting the support you need from others; from each other? How do you feel about not drinking? What impact does that and will that have? How essential is it to each of you that you both do not drink? How will you handle parties, holidays, family gatherings, and weddings? Talk about it. Talk about it. Be there for each other. Remember that as you have these conversations, it will bring up a lot. Get the help you need to get to the point that you can lovingly and safely share these things with each other.

What does the bible say about addiction?  Nothing.

Well, to be clear, the word addiction is not even in the scriptures. The words most commonly used in the scriptures in regards to when substances are used problematically is drunkenness, debauchery, and riotous living. For many who are reading this, you have begun to understand how your use has hurt those around you and has caused grave destruction in your life. For some of you, you have people you love who have destroyed their lives by their use of substances or behavioral addictions or you’re feeling it may be spinning out of control. For others, you have been hurt or endangered by another’s use. Reading these entries, and reading about what the bible says about substances, might bring up a great amount of pain or stir a high level of anger. Remember to get yourself plenty of support as you read through the pages here. This is tender, painful territory.

My father was an alcoholic. My uncle died of cirrhosis. My grandfather died of complications with his drinking. I have several immediate and extended family members who have had alcohol and drug addictions. Alcohol and drugs effect almost every family. We all have our personal stories. The need for those who use the bible as their standard for how they want to live their life is to take the time to explore what the scriptures say about addiction. This process alone can bring a lot of healing and understanding.

You may have some very strong feelings about the drinking of alcohol. You’ve done your own study of the scriptures and come to some strong convictions. The scriptures included here are not exhaustive, but may provide a beginning for an open discussion. I feel my own worry about the gall I have to even address the question of what the bible says. As you explore things here, or as you do your own exploring of the scriptures and what others have had to say, remember Paul’s command that we should be acting in love (Romans 14:15) and that “whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord” (Romans 14:8). Any information you receive here or elsewhere, use it with love, remembering that you belong to God and that you are called to be an imitator of God, an ambassador for him, living as a child of the light (Eph 5, 2 Cor 5). Walk gently and respectfully with others.

Reminder: if you have a loved one who is dealing with addiction, remember not to use the scriptures below as a hammer with which to bludgeon them. The purpose of this entry is to encourage a deeper understanding of the scriptures. In no way do I mean don’t show them to someone. The Spirit convicts the world of guilt in regards to sin (John 8:26) so just make sure that you speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15) and let the scriptures do most of the convicting.

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Definitions and Consequences  

In my early exploration of providing therapy for those dealing with addiction, I had to do a bit of study in the scriptures because I really did not feel like I had a good understanding of what the bible said about alcohol or addiction other than don’t get drunk. There are, however, a number of scriptures about the use of alcohol in the bible. You’ll find many in the book of Proverbs.

As we do this, remember that we are not just talking about one particular substance like alcohol. We are talking about using any substance or behavior in a way that is intoxicating and also using it to the point where the use becomes habitual, compulsive, or addictive. First of all, let’s look at what the definition is of intoxication. Webster says to be intoxicated is “to excite or stupefy by alcohol or a drug to the point where physical and mental control is markedly diminished.” The reality is, people do this. They lose control of a behavior to the point that their mental health is affected. And they have often done this not only with drugs and alcohol but also with other things such as working out, pornography, gambling, shopping, sex, and food.

So that is what the dictionary says, but what do the scriptures say. Let’s examine some of them.

“Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights, and your mind will imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. “They hit me,” you will say, “but I’m not hurt! They beat me, but I don’t feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?” (Prov 23:29-35)

This is such a revealing scripture. If you yourself have experienced addiction, or if you are the one who has seen someone go through addiction, this scripture is eerily accurate. Addiction causes woe, sorrow, and strife. It also causes bloodshot eyes (well a number of drugs do). People mix their drugs and when they take them, their eyes do see strange and confusing sights. Though some people use substances and behavioral compulsions to soothe anxiety and other emotional challenges, one of the other primary pulls to use is the euphoric sensation and the amazing mental trips. And oh, these substances go down smoothly. However, in the end, they cause pain and suffering. People don’t use drugs and alcohol or lose money through gambling and shopping, or view pornography because they hate those things. One of the most important things for someone in recovery to admit is that most of the time there was some measure of pleasure in using. Sometimes the purpose of addiction for certain individuals is more connected to relieving stress and anxiety, but for many, the use of that behavior or substance brings some kind of positive feeling or sensation. Admitting that is often part of the process of recovery. What does your addiction do for you and what do you like about it? Ultimately, though, any use leads to both literal or figurative hits, hurts, and bruises in life. Let’s look at other scriptures.

Here are a few that make it clear that drunkenness and debauchery are the issue God is concerned with when it comes to the use of substances and involvement in addictive behaviors:

“Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.” (Prov 20:1)

“Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine.” (Is 5:11)

“Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Eph 5:18-20)

“Old wine and new wine take away their understanding.” (Hosea 4:11)

The scriptures make it clear that we need to be intoxicated by the Spirit, to be filled with overflowing with God and His Word. Drunkenness and intoxication of any kind keeps that from happening. It leads us astray, makes us unwise, and takes away our understanding. There are other scriptures that address drunkenness and associated behaviors:

“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Gal 5:19-21)

“Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags.” (Prov 23:20-21)

“Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.” (Romans 13:13-14)

In these lists of sin (and others), the words used that would apply to addiction would be debauchery, drunkenness, and carousing. In the Greek, the word for debauchery is   aselgei , meaning wantonness, licentiousness, lewd, without restraint. This word can apply to sexually wanton behavior and to substance involved wantonness. The root of the word is   selges , which means continent. So when someone overindulges in these kinds of sensual practices (over drinking, over eating, over anything), they are being incontinent. The word for drunkenness is   methe , which means an intoxicant or being intoxicated. This is an important distinction in the definition. The Hebrew word in Proverbs for drunkard is   caba , meaning to drink largely, full the self, to satiate by imbibing wine. This is combined with   zuwi , which means to quake or to shake, as in to drink or eat riotously. The word for carousing is   komos   which is a riotous party or drunken feast which is usually accompanied by unbridled sexual immorality, or debauched partying.

These different definitions reflect the common overlap with the lack of restraint and uncontrolled use of a substance that often leads to risky and uncontrolled sexual behaviors. Drugs and sex often overlap in some fashion, where the use of a substance either excites sexual behaviors or lowers sexual inhibitions.

Alcohol and Relationships  

So how does the bible address someone who likes to enjoy a drink if they are with a friend or someone they love who has a challenge with alcohol? Paul gave some helpful direction. “The kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the holy Spirit… it is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.” (Romans 14:20-21). This scripture is dealt with in specific detail in the entry “To Drink or Not to Drink.” However, for the purpose of this entry, God calls us to consider the impact of the choices we make on those we are close to and to make our decision about what to eat or drink with that heart.

Is Alcohol Prohibited or Allowed in Scripture?  

Yes.

Well, there is some discussion, especially in religious circles, about whether drinking should occur at all within a family of believers. For those who would support that drinking itself is not forbidden but does have its place if righteously used, the scriptures generally used are:

“Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses.” (1 Tim 5:23)

“He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for people to cultivate-- bringing forth food from the earth: wine that gladdens human hearts, oil to make their faces shine, and bread that sustains their hearts.” (Ps 104:15-16)

"Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now." (John 2:10)

Here we see how Paul actually advises Timothy to take some wine to benefit his health. The Psalmist declares that wine can gladden the heart, and Jesus himself, when he made water into wine, didn’t just make an acceptable wine to fulfill his mother’s request. He made such a good wine that the master of the banquet said it was the best.

One of the primary concerns about participating in any kind of drinking is the idea of sobriety. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Pet 5:8). God calls us to be sober. To be alert. So can an intoxicant be ingested without causing intoxication at some level? Though some might disagree, this is a valid argument to consider when one looks at blood alcohol content charts from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration where one drink causes impairment for some individuals and two drinks causes impairment for all but the highest weight levels. At what point does ingestion of a substance cause woe, sorrow, strife, and complaints (Prov 23:29)? These are important concerns to consider as each individual examines their decision to intake any type of intoxicant.

The passages above are but a beginning. Whole books have been written about biblical view of intoxication, drinking, and addiction. Hopefully what you have gained is the encouragement to do your own exploration into the biblical view of addiction.