How To Talk About Recovery For Couples

For many couples, just talking about the process of recovery can be very painful. For the individual involved in support and recovery, when their spouse asks how they are doing, that conversation does not always go very well. Couples often say that they either do not talk about it at all or that when they do, it is like walking on eggshells or through a minefield.

Spouses might ask questions by saying something like, "how are you doing?" or "are you having any struggles?" Or they might ask, "how was your meeting?" Or they might have more direct questions like, "are you talking to your sponsor?" or "have you been tempted?" What often happens is the spouse feels like they can't ask, or that they only get a defensive response when they do. The defensive response then just makes them feel either more insecure or it confirms for them that their spouse may still be using. If you are the husband or wife in recovery, when your spouse asks questions, you may often feel like you are having to report to your spouse, or that your spouse is doubting you or still holding things against you. Just being asked may take you into feeling shame, anger, or frustration.

For good recovery, talking openly, honestly, and genuinely about how things are going is a very positive part of the recovery process for couples. If a couple can have that conversation in a connecting way, it can create feelings of support and understanding, rather than frustration, judgment, and distance. Most partners of those in recovery express that they long to have genuine, deep conversations about how their partner's recovery is going. But how do you do it?

In helping couples have these conversations, I have benefitted from the work of Dr. Robert Navarra. Dr. Navarra recommends couples have guidance in how to have healing conversations about recovery.

Here are some recommended conversation starters to involve your spouse in your process by sharing about your recovery:

"One significant thing I have learned in my recovery/self-care is...."

"I am in recovery (working on myself) because..."

"Here's what happens in a meeting or groups that I attend..."

"What it means for me to have a sponsor or somebody I can talk to for support is...."

"Talking to you about recovery/self-care feels..."

"A memorable experience I have had in recovery or in learning something about myself is...."

Partners often feel reassured when they can ask their spouse how they are doing, but they often express that they do not know how to initiate and have those conversations. They are often worried about angering their partner or making them feel like their spouse does not trust them or believe in them. Supportive partners can broaden the way they ask their spouse how they are doing.

These are some questions you can ask that can be supportive:

"How do you feel about talking about recovery or getting help? What is it like?"

"What makes you happy, or appreciative about your recovery or self-care?"

"What stands out as a memorable experience in your recovery or self-care?"

"What positive thing have you learned about yourself recently?"

Couples can also learn to talk about the painful experiences they had during active addiction. If going back there and discussing that is just too difficult, or if it could lead to painful disconnection, anger, and conflict, you may want to get help with these conversations by having someone there with you, such as a supportive couple, a minister, or a therapist.

In a safe environment, if a spouse has a painful memory, you can ask your partner these questions:

"Tell me about your feelings about this situation?"

"Describe how you feel this affected you...our family...our relationship?"

"Are there any regrets you have?"

"What were some of your biggest concerns at the time about this?"

"Does this remind you of anything from your past/family/own history?"

"What did you understand about addiction at the time?"

"What do you understand about addiction now?"

How To Have These Conversations

Conversations about the past can be difficult but can also be very healing if they happen in a way that makes both spouses feel like it is safe and that what they share won't be used against them. You may notice that the way the questions a spouse of someone in recovery might ask are phrased in such a way as to not be an accusation. Each question is very open-ended. They reflect a very curious approach without condemnation. Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters and a man of understanding draws them out." If you want to draw your spouse out, it is important that your desire be to understand and draw close to them.

There are questions above included for a spouse involved in recovery to ask their partner. Your partner may have a great number of painful memories and may have a hard time knowing how to tell you about them. However, to experience solid recovery as a couple it is vital to be able to express pain openly. Be prepared to hear some things that may be very difficult to hear. Prepare your heart to genuinely be able to listen without defense. In fact, if you feel you are not ready to hear their pain, consider leaving these questions to be done with a therapist or someone who can help make things feel safer.

For the partner who is being asked about their pain, it is vital that you answer without attacking. If you are not sure that you would be able to do that, you may need to have another couple with you or, as mentioned, take these in to your therapist in order to have someone there to help monitor the level of anger and attack that could be triggered during what will possibly be a very painful conversation. You may also be able to do this through writing. What is important is that when you tell your spouse who is in recovery about the pain you have experienced, try your best not to flood him or her. Consider how you can keep your answer honest, direct, and heartfelt without using attacking words and without speaking more than a few minutes for each question. You probably long for your spouse to be able to hear and understand your pain. Just remember that oversharing can flood a spouse and make it difficult for them to be there for you.

So read this entry together as a couple and then talk about whether you feel safe enough to have these conversations. Next, plan a time that you can sit together uninterrupted in a quiet place, facing one another. Here are some suggested guidelines for these conversations:

1) If you are the spouse asking your partner one of the questions above, watch to make sure that you ask them as similar as possible to how it is worded. This will help you avoid using any attacking or blaming words.

2) If you are the spouse answering, avoid flooding your spouse by going on too long. Also avoid blaming and attacking words.

3) When your spouse does answer a question or share something, simply listen. Follow their answer with an expression of gratitude. "I'm glad you shared that with me."

4) When your spouse shares something or answers a question, you can also respond by telling your spouse what you understood with a simple reflection. This may sound something like, "So in your recovery meetings you've been learning...." or "so one of your biggest concerns is..."

So ask and listen with respect and kindness. And see what kind of healing can happen.