What is couples recovery for addiction?

What is Couple’s Recovery?

You have been ransomed or are on the path to get there. You and/or your spouse have been captive to an addiction or problematic use of some kind. Perhaps both of you have been using. Or perhaps only one of you has gotten entrapped and things have become very challenging in your marriage. For some of you, you have already had some encouraging success on this path with individual recovery but you are realizing that you need some help with your relationship. For others of you, the path of recovery has been very difficult. You have fought and argued and there have been things that have happened between you that have destroyed trust and intimacy. Serious damage has been done physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually. You are tired and hopeless and you don’t know what to do. You’re not sure if your marriage can be saved or can recover from the depths of damage that has been done.

Perhaps your spouse is the user and he/she has told you over and over that they are going to stop, yet they keep going back to it. “I’m sorry” and a month later, you find the evidence again. Maybe you are feeling done with the promises that get broken.

Perhaps you are the one using, and you know you’ve told your spouse over and over that you’re going to stop, but you know they have no reason to trust you or believe that this time it’s for real. You may not be sure if it’s real either. Maybe you feel attacked by your spouse. Maybe you feel like their anger, their withdrawal, their contempt, their lack of love, is driving you back to use.

Or perhaps you are solid in recovery, but have never addressed the damage to your relationship. You are looking for help with where to go from here in your marriage.

Couples recovery, as it is mentioned in the other entry entitled “What is Recovery?”, is a process. However, couples recovery is different than individual recovery in some very important ways. Early recovery for couples can often be almost more traumatizing than traumatic events during use (Brown & Lewis, 1999). Research and the clinical literature uncover some of these issues. Unresolved problems that occurred during drug use or compulsive/addictive behaviors have been known to effect communication and conflict resolution (Lawson & Lawson, 1998). Sexual dysfunction is also often associated with chemical or behavioral dependencies and involves problems with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, sexual avoidance, and painful intercourse. Some couples have experienced traumatic bonding, which is the depth of attachment couples who use together have during drinking or drug use. Traumatic bonding also occurs when couples have felt that the only good communication and good sex they experienced was during drinking and drug use (Brown & Lewis, 1999; Davis, Berenson, Steinglass, & Davis, 1974). Couples impacted by various addictions might also be challenged by physical and psychological issues with hepatitis C, overdoses, chronic pain, anxiety and depression, schizophrenia, grief and loss, despair over their disintegrating families (Cattapan & Grimwade, 2008). These couples may also have experienced isolation, emotional withdrawal, criminal involvement, and other co-occurring mental illnesses (Collins et al, 2007).

So how do couples with these kinds of challenges work through the process of recovery? When I work with couples in recovery, it is vital that whoever has been using is completely committed to their own process of individual recovery. For the couple, the challenge is that the amount of time and energy it takes for an individual to work their own recovery can make it very challenging to also focus on couple’s recovery. It is not uncommon for couples to come into recovery 2-3 years into sobriety because the individual recovery had to be stabilized first. Maintaining early sobriety can be so challenging that dealing with the damage done in the marriage can get set aside. Other couples do, however, reach out for care during the early stages of sobriety and recovery. During this time, it is challenging to balance the needs between individual and couples recovery.

For couples who engage in therapy during early recovery, the things that were going on underneath the use, the things that the addiction or use covered up, often come pouring out. If the use was used to mask sexual issues, those issues come out. If use was used to cope with emotion, all the emotional challenges begin to come out. It is common that during times of use and addiction, betrayals, abuse, violations, and vicious, demeaning conflict may have occurred. If a couple decides to work through the conflict and the betrayals, talking about them can lead to increased conflict for a time. A couple needs a significant amount of support in the early years after sobriety.

The types of support that are often needed are individual counseling, couples counseling, mentors and/or accountability partners for both spouses, group support or group therapy, and family counseling. Men and women both need good friends who can relate and be supportive, but who will also tell them painful truths when needed. Finding each of these supports, and then finding the time to fulfill each of these needs, does have it’s challenges.

There are several areas that often need to be addressed in couples counseling. It may be important to heal specific traumas that occurred during use. Often, communication during conflict has become very difficult. Learning how to share your feelings genuinely without judgment is important. Learning how to hear and understand your spouse and step into their shoes is also vital. Couples also often need help in how to talk about how recovery is going, how to ask questions and share without judgment, and how to be supportive and yet letting each one work their own recovery. Returning to genuine liking, loving, trust, and intimacy is also a vital part of recovery. Some of the entries that will follow will address these important topics.