Healthy boundaries for couples

One of the common challenges for couples in recovery from addiction is how to work out healthy boundaries. The areas of their relationship where this comes up is typically around issues such as openness about use or urges to use, how recovery is going, sex, relapse, or emotional sharing.

If you have been involved in addiction or some type of problematic use, you may be wondering how much you should tell your spouse about how you are doing. Your spouse may be asking and you're not sure how to answer. They are wanting reassurance that you are getting the help you need and that you are on solid ground in your recovery and that you're staying away from whatever tempts you. But when your spouse asks you things, you're not sure how it will go if you answer them. It is important to remember that your process of recovery is your process. Your spouse cannot work your program for you and most likely, you really don't want them to. However, because of the choices you have made and the dangers attached to those choices, your spouse may have specific needs in order to feel safe and in order to feel they can truly trust your commitment to change.

What would make your spouse feel safe? That can differ for each spouse, however there are some common things. One is your complete honesty. It is common for spouses to tell me that having a partner involved in addiction has been very difficult and traumatic but that the worst part is the lies. "Put off falsehood and speak truthfully" (Eph 4:25).

Another way to create safety is a non-defensive response when your spouse asks questions. It may be hard for you to not feel attacked, and maybe your spouse is asking in a way that feels like an attack. Remember however that underneath that attack is often a need for reassurance. And defensiveness or anger on your part can make a spouse even more anxious.

An even stronger thing that creates safety is when you initiate openness and don't wait for your spouse to ask. Let your spouse see the clear evidence that you are diligently and genuinely involved in your process of recovery: going to support meetings, reading your bible, engaging with your sponsor or mentor. Tell them how it is going. Sharing about these things with your spouse is essential for couples recovery. It doesn't mean your spouse is your parent. It does mean that you know they have every right to see you change and that you want to honor their need for you to share specifically how you are doing; both the good and the bad.

If you are the spouse of someone who has been involved in addiction, you may be wondering how much you should be involved in their process of recovery. You may feel like they need to be completely open and transparent with you but you're not sure how to get that to happen. But you may also be unsure what kind of information is healthy to ask and know. You are wanting your spouse to have their own convictions and commitment to good recovery, but you're not sure what your part is in that process. You also may be having a hard time figuring out what type of boundaries you should have. You may be wondering what you should do if your spouse uses again? What should your boundaries be if they do? If you are separated, how do you know when the right time is to move back in together?

Each of these questions reflects the challenge of rebuilding trust. The bible clearly teaches that the home should be a place of safety and peace (Is 32:18, 1 Cor 7:15). When there have been betrayals in marriage, when addiction has caused the erosion of trust, it takes time and repeated healing to return to trust and create safety and peace in the home. Rebuilding trust is a process and it is vital for both spouses to figure out what their part is in that process. One of the important pieces that is necessary in order to get there is establishing healthy boundaries.

For the individual involved in recovery, in general it is my recommendation to have complete honesty and transparency with your spouse. However, spouses, your partner's recovery is their responsibility. You cannot work their recovery for them. You can let them know you want them to share openly with you how they are doing. However, the initiation of that needs to come from the person in recovery. You may feel like you are not seeing them work their program like they should. Perhaps they don't speak with their sponsor as much as you feel they should or maybe you wonder if they do at all. Maybe they are missing a lot of support group meetings. They may be falling into some patterns that look an awful lot like what they did when they were using. There is a difference between holding to healthy boundaries and working your spouse's program for them. You need to tell your spouse that if they are not staying sober, if they are getting defensive about their recovery, if they are not initiating openness, or if they are not going to meetings or getting help from a sponsor or mentor, then you have some decisions to make about your relationship. However, even when you share that, you cannot be their monitor to get them to do those things. You absolutely need to let them know what you need in order to feel safe, what you need to see in order to feel like they are truly changing. However, at that point it is vital that you step back and let them decide what to do with that information and make your own decision about what you need to do in response.

When I work with couples in the process of recovery, the spouse is often unsure where they should put their boundaries. If your spouse has been sober for several months, but gets drunk, what should you do? Should you allow them to stay in the home? Should you leave? Should you just be supportive and help them get the help they need? Is it unloving to say they have to leave? If your spouse has sworn they will no longer look at pornography, but then you find out something that shows they still are, what do you do? Do you continue to have sex? Do you continue to sleep in the same room? If your spouse says that they are getting great support in dealing with their shopping addiction, but then you find new receipts, how do you respond? Do you remove all their credit cards? If you're wondering if your spouse is being honest with you, do you investigate? Do you check their emails or their phone? These are important questions. What are loving, appropriate, safe, healthy boundaries? And how do you hold to them without resentment or ungodly attitudes. 2 Tim 2:25 says it so well. "Those who oppose him, he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." Your spouse may have been entrapped or may be continually walking into the trap. And you are trying to figure out how you're supposed to respond.

So how do you go about figuring out what kind of boundaries you should have? Boundaries are about safety. This can mean physical safety and emotional safety. Physical safety can mean several things. It can mean that your electronic devises will not be used for anything pornographic. Or that a husband or wife will not be in danger of contracting an illness due to their spouse's sexual or drug related use. It can mean that someone will not become intoxicated or high and cause physical harm or physical damage to their spouse or children. Physical safety can also mean financial safety, when money is not lost on gambling, shopping, drugs, or any similar behavior or substance. Emotional safety can be connected to all of these and more. It can mean being able to ask your spouse how they are doing without getting a defensive, angry response. It can mean being able to share the fears, hurts, and anger you feel and getting a safe, understanding response. It can mean that a spouse understands if it takes time to rebuild that trust. Emotional safety can also mean being able to share about your struggles with addiction openly without getting attacked for what you have shared. It can mean being able to explain what your triggers are and receiving an understanding, supportive response.

The purpose of this entry is not to give you a definitive answer about what kind of boundaries you should have in your marriage. That needs to be explored carefully and wisely both in your own heart, with God, and with the help of good, spiritual counsel. Hopefully this entry will help you begin to dialogue and pray about how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries that will keep both of you safe and help each of you in the process of individual and couple's recovery.