Connection through conflict for couples in recovery

The process of recovery is challenging. For couples, the trauma and challenges during recovery can sometimes be even more intense than the trauma that occurred during use. Couples often experience intense conflict during this time. Conflicts can come up around many different areas in life: kids, jobs, recovery meetings, worries about sobriety, frustration with a spouse's lack of trust, holidays and family gatherings, spiritual issues, and so on and so on. Arguments can become volatile. Pain connected to the damage caused by use can come flooding in. Deep feelings of shame can cause someone to lash out or to turn away and avoid. Often, the underlying problems in the marital relationship that were possibly masked by the addiction overwhelm the couple. It is hard to feel hopeful. It is hard to see that things can get better.

It is also challenging to break through entrenched disconnection, to find ways to discuss and work through these tough things without conflict getting high. It can even be hard for some couples to do relationship bonding things, like going and having fun together, when this huge pile of junk and pain is sitting there. When I work with couples, there is often a careful dance trying to build positive, hope-focused things in their relationship while at the same time working through that pile of junk. Yet both are often needed and important. This is the idea of the love bank. The love bank is similar to your financial bank account. If your finances are going well and you've made good deposits into your bank account that have added up, when that car breaks down, though you are completely bummed about it and it's still painful, you can get it repaired and the level of distress is manageable. But if your finances are not going so well and there is little or nothing in the account, when that car breaks down, it creates stress and havoc. In the same way, when a relationship's emotional bank account is low and conflict happens, this can lead to great levels of frustration, anger, distress, and hopelessness. But when that emotional bank account has some deposits in it, when there have been some enjoyable moments, when emotional and verbal connection is going well, when there have been times of thoughtfulness, times of fun or even laughter, and then that conflict happens, it still causes distress but because there is now a buffer around it of positive moments, that conflict can get worked through in a way that though painful can still create connection. This balance is especially difficult for couples dealing with addiction. Years of use can erode the entire bank account, both literally and figuratively. For some couples, there may even be very few positive memories, or if there are, the positive memories are associated with use. So that bank account can be very low or feel non-existent. It makes sense then that when conflict happens, it is particularly hard to see any good come from it.

So how is it possible to have conflict that could create connection, especially when the conflict is so loaded with scary stuff that has yet to be resolved. Two primary pieces to creating a healthy experience of conflict are: number one, being purposeful in building good moments together; and number two, good conflict resolution. We are going to cover the conflict stuff first. In another entry we are going to go further into how to build the good moments.

You are going to fight. You are still going to hurt one another. You are going to do things and say things or fail to do things that get you right back to that yucky place of anger and disconnection. But learning to fight well is vital. So lets check some things. First of all, ask yourself, when you are upset with your spouse, how do you communicate that? Genuinely sharing what bothers you, telling them how you are feeling, is necessary in order to work through problems. However, sometimes, in the desire to get your spouse to understand what you think or feel, you may attack. Especially when pain is high or when you're not sure how your spouse is doing in their recovery process or when you feel like your spouse will never forgive you. This can be hard for both spouses.

So check how you're doing in communicating with your spouse. Do you explain yourself and then explain yourself again? Do you use language that attacks? Do you tend to feel like you know what your spouse is thinking and feeling and you tell them that rather than ask them? Do you get flooded with emotion or anger when you are telling them what bothers you or about something that is really hard for you? And when that emotion floods, do you find it hard to explain yourself? Do you avoid it all together? It's just easier to not bring things up because it might blow up if you do. And you hate arguing. So check. Do you attack? Do you flood your spouse with too many words? Do you avoid conflict at all costs? Learning to fight well includes learning to share from your heart, directly, succinctly, honestly, and genuinely without blame, attack, or accusation. Ephesians 4:15 says "speak the truth in love." When you speak to your spouse, make sure it is done in love. Leviticus 19:17 says "rebuke your neighbor frankly." Now, you may not benefit from rebuking each other at this time, but when you do come to your spouse with something that has upset you, do it in a frank, direct way.

Secondly, how are you doing hearing your spouse when they come to you. Ask yourself, are you working hard at really understanding your spouse? Do you get distracted, or hurt, by the way they are coming to you to the point that you lose track of what they are saying? Do you feel accused and then you shut down? When your spouse shares, do you ask questions in order to understand what they are feeling? Or do you get defensive and attack back? Do you feel the need to explain? Are you so quick to apologize or reassure your spouse that they end up feeling dismissed, or that you don't really get it? Do you tend to go immediately to how to fix the problem rather than listen? Do you have a hard time feeling like what your spouse is bothered by even makes sense? "Really! You're upset about THAT?" Genuinely listening to understand is important for both spouses in the midst of recovery. Not just for the one who's been involved in addiction, but also for the spouse.

Good conflict is not just about good listening. It is also about good speaking. Start paying attention to your part in both and see if there is something you need to change. During a time when you are not in conflict, have a good conversation with each other. Each of you share with the other what you see in yourself that you need to work on in how you speak and listen. Then ask your spouse a couple of questions. "Do you feel like I get to the point of understanding you when you come to me with something? Is there anything I do that makes it feel like I don't understand?" Also ask, "How do you feel like I'm doing when I come to you with something that is bothering me? Do you ever feel like I avoid or attack?" These can be very scary conversations. Do them gently. Keep your eyes on yourself and see what happens. If the conversation goes sideways, get some help. Sit with someone you trust and have them help you understand what your spouse is feeling. Have them help you communicate with love what is bothering you. That kind of support from friends and mentors can go a long way in your process of couple's recovery.